Or was it all just biding time for you?
We’re still on Porcupine tree. If you have started to sincerely believe that reading this blog is a serious waste of your time, I don’t blame you.
I love Shesmovedon.
The music is brilliant. So influenced yet original, and very simply written, I love the lyrics. I love the song.
I might add the lyrics again for full throttle, as always, but I am going to satisfy my need to share by quoting a stanza.
She changes every time you look
By summer it was all gone – now she’s moved on
She called you every other day
So savour it it’s all gone – now she’s moved on
So for a while
Everything seemed new
Did we connect ?
Or was it all just biding time for you ?
Shesmovedon- Porcupine Tree
I come in value packs of ten
Since the last few posts have been rather depressing and lacklustre, I am going to make a few more of similar quality and purge myself of all that comes with my lack of cheer this time of the year. But since we’re still on Porcupine Tree,we’re going to talk today about Piano Lessons. I remember piano lessons, it’s one of those songs that you hear once and then you listen to it continuously on loop for days, and relate everything to it and then finally stop listening to it when there’s a new poppy song that does its rounds. Now this usually happens once a week so it’s quite fine.
But Piano Lessons has a lot more to offer than the usual blend of excellent music and crazy abstract lyrics that Porcupine Tree usually gives us. It is very representative of their general negativity, and the song leaves you mourning your losses, pulling at feelings you had repressed. Things you could explain but didn’t and emotions you knew were best left unruffled.
I have added the whole song here because that has now become my thing to do, apparently.
I remember piano lessons
The hours in freezing rooms
Cruel ears and tiny hands
Destroying timeless tunes
She said there’s too much out there
Too much already said
You’d better give up hoping
You’re better off in bed
You don’t need much to speak of
No class, no wit, no soul
Forget you own agenda
Get ready to be sold
I feel now like Christine Keeler
Sleepwaking in the rain
I didn’t mean to lose direction
I didn’t want that kind of fame
(Take your hands off my land)
Credit me with some intelligence
(if not just credit me)
I come in value packs of ten
(in five varieties)
And even though I got it all now
My only stupid dream
I see you and me together
And how it should have been
I remember piano lessons
Now everything seems clear
You waiting under streetlights
For dreams to disappear
Till next time, keep singing.
Piano Lessons, Porcupine Tree.
I got a place where all my dreams are dead
This is post number 2 of the series on the year that was 2009.
March brought more fun. Lots of food drink and merriment, very the way I like it. March also ushered in the rejection letters that poured in from Gradschools, all the proving all the letters of aid I had false, slowly starting to crumble my confidence and killing my spirit.
But the amount of fun April and May brought is of unreachable standards. Given, they brought in the torrential rejection letters, the end of college tears and the immense burden of dissertation troubles, the fun was just incomparable.
June brought in the 21. The slow withdrawal from college and the sudden and crazy Bangalore trip. The months of June and July were hazy and flashy. for good reason.
But it was the insane ennui that followed college led to the rebirth of the blog.
I’m just going to take a break from the year summation now, it’s depressing me.
I got wiring loose inside my head
I got books that I never, ever read
I got secrets in my garden shed
I got a scar where all my urges bled
I got people underneath my bed
I got a place where all my dreams are dead
Swim with me, into your blackest eyes.
Blackest Eyes, Porcupine Tree
Always the summers, are slipping away
This is the first part of my summation of the year, why I loved it-why I hated it, blogpost series. Also, this series will feature Pocupine Tree because I missed the concert, and I miss Mumbai, and Porcupine Tree and I deserved to be together but we weren’t.
This year has been such a whirlwind of everything. So much to smile about, a lot more to cry about. Broken hearts broken promises . So many Heartaches, so many Places. A long and accurate report of everything might be boring to read, and painful to write. So I’m going to go with random order.
2009 brought such promise with it. Almost like every new year, but this one was special. It came with those huge life-upheaval type prospects. Interesting changes, the whole package. It was exciting even if I was kinda sad that the good year that was 2008 was ending.
Now that I sit down and think of all the things that happened in 2009, I am glad it is you know, ending. I hated this year. I thought 2003 and 2006 were the worst years but actually, 2009 was.
I remember how I rang in the new year. My uncles and dad were having a little party, I was helping them and changing their music and bringing them food and ice, while myself was sitting on the couch and watching Transformers and Spiderman 1 at the same time. Pretty fun night. It ended when my Mom came out at 2 am and yelled at us to go to sleep. Nice and normal.
I remember what January brought- the Bioinformatics project, immense amounts of free time in the eighth semester, the random Delhi trip because of the Sri Lanka war situation, the food and cold in Delhi, the stay overs at home, it was a pretty fun month.
February’s kinda blurry- I think I wound up the project, as in I just stopped working on it, I can’t remember much, and I think that is just for the best.
We’ll do the other months later.
When I hear the engine pass
I’m kissing you wide
The hissing subsides
I’m in luck
When the evening reaches here
You’re tying me up
I’m dying of love
It’s Ok.
Trains- Porcupine Tree
I feel cold but I’m back in the fire
Hey this is something I wrote almost exactly a year ago. And it’s just amazing that have similar things to say a year later. What this says about my personal growth, one never knows.
Fear has a smell, like love does. The sweaty palms, the sudden fluttering of your heart, and the momentary pain it induces in your system. Fear causes pain, like love does. At that long moment, when pain flits through you, and your cheeks feel hot.You can’t feel your fingers. You imagine the unknown, and you fear it. You think of what can go wrong, and even if you have reconciled to being helpless about it, you are afraid of what it may do. Fear makes you brave, like love does. You do things that you don’t imagine. Things that are contrary to your existence and your principles. You hold on to one irrate, irrational love, like you constantly refuse to face one irrational fear, and you overcome so many more, just to deny that part of you that blocks out the possibility to feel the unknown. Or in fact, unwanted.
This is the end of this random musing.
Merry Christmas, if you read this.
Or even otherwise.
The Shock of the Lightning, Oasis
I think I need a love lobotomy
Have I told you how much fun I make of the Twilight saga on a day to day basis? I didn’t care about the books, I thought ‘Cedric Diggory’s supposed to be good looking, for Godsake!’ when I saw Robert Pattinson on Harry Potter, and I wasted all my teenage years reading emo books like First Wives club , The Lake of Dead Languages and a lot of Meg Cabot. If you haven’t read The lake of.. , please oh please do. What a horrible book.
Back on topic, when Twilight-the movie came out, I fully believed that the graphics had been done by a second year Viscom student on 3dsmax. But again we must remember, there’s a good chance that Catherine Hardwicke did actually believe that the graphics were great. Well at least the music was.
Things I hated about Twilight:
1.The hype that was Robert Pattinson. I only wanted to Spank Ransom. The American accent that sounded like he was constantly swallowing saliva while he spoke (don’t tell me that was a side effect of being a vampire), the reptilian pale-ness. It was all too over done. I give u a good jaw line. looks hot in a sports coat.
2.Kristen Stewart. I’m a bitter old thing that hates, I mean absolutely hates un pretty girls being called pretty. I mean that whole type makes me want to throw something. Like Emma Watson. And why is SHE so pale? He’s a ‘cold one’ , I understand, but you’re from Phoenix, woman. Show some colour!
3.The dialogues. Need I say more?
4. The nonsense. There was no build up to their romance. No solid evidence of Chemistry. She felt alone and was attracted to the 108 year old, he wanted to taste her blood. Boom. Aur Pyaar Ho Gaya. Let’s spend days and nights just lying down together. On lawns, meadows, beds, anywhere mostly. Our make out sessions are literally dangerous liaisons because I find your blood to be like a drug, ‘my personal brand of heroin’ , and yet just because you googled my symptoms and cleverly deduced that I am a vampire, and are obviously attracted to my fine jaw line and decent body (plus the intrigue), we’re in love. Sometimes you wake up and find me standing there, silently watching you and brooding inwardly and outwardly at how I can’t caress you because I want to drink your blood.
At first, I didn’t get it. I understood why she’d want him, the power of protection, the attraction, the cool-ness of being the mysterious Cullen’s girlfriend. I mean all teenage girls (and many post teenage girls) want the over protective lover. But then we forget. He saved her from a car crash AND rape. I grew up watching Tamil Cinema . I know how romantic these things are.
And then, I understood why he wanted her. After a 108 years of reading everybody’s thoughts, there was finally someone’s thoughts he couldn’t read (I’d be thankful for this, but I wonder if it makes a difference. Bella Swan doesn’t look like she MAKES too many thoughts). He was a vegetarian vampire but he wanted her blood SO bad. He couldn’t help but keep tempting himself by being around her. The enigma was too much of a lure (pfft) to yield to the temptation of sucking her blood and destroying this aberration altogether.
I watched Twilight over 5 times. Most of the time it was because I was too lazy to look for anything else, or was not completely sane, but nevertheless, I did. And I liked the music. I specifically do like the scene where he walks past her when he knows that she knows, ans she knows that he knows that she knows.
Now that I have watched New Moon, first I will link you to a rather honest review of it written by a dear friend without whose influence I would’ve never exposed myself over and over to the addiction that is the Twilight saga. Here it is.
I get it now. I liked New Moon because I am one of those losers who like connecting movies, which are not a real ‘means to an end’ type story, but a sequel for the sake of a sequel, the prelude to the next big thing, the bit that you have to sit through. Deepika’s review kinda summarizes my own views on the movie, as an objective, non Twilight hating movie-goer.
But here’s why I like New Moon, while fighting the urge to call it New Moan.
1. Kristen Stewart: Apparently, Bella Swan goes psycho, in the book. She really did go psycho in the movie. While the director Chris Weitz (this man co made American Pie . Just letting you know) uses ever possible over used sequence to portray her heart break and insanity, Kristen shines enacting the desperate and crazy Bella. She truly carries the terribly slow screenplay on her shoulders.
2. Taylor Lautner: Shark Boy finally stops looking atrocious after he finally cuts his hair. He also has 8 pack abs. WTH was that about. Scared me a little. While I am inclined to like this character simply because he is a werewolf (what can I say, I am a sucker for the lupus), Taylor does a decent job at portraying an already likable character, who ‘eases her pain’ of losing Edward, involuntarily cheering her up and falling in love with her. I mean the boy is 16. His ‘Your body is changing, son’ talk was way more serious than yours ever was. He becomes a wolf when he’s angry and has a constant hot flush (108 degrees? I mean.. what is this Stephanie Meyers/Mythology , I don’t care which, Cold ones X ‘Hot’ Ones?) .
3.Robert Pattinson : While the break up scenes and the hallucinations were truly miserable, I kinda fell for this boy in the last few scenes. Very well portrayed cheesy heroism doused with his natural camera shy charm (Suddenly I see). Some sudden Spunk, boy. You’ve won me over.
4. Dakota Fanning: Now you must realise that I watched a sad, bootlegged copy of this movie on the internet, and had to make out expressions (in many cases make them up) and make Deepika repeat the dialogues to me. Dakota Fanning made Jane come alive. I mean she seriously glowed in context.
5. The triangle: Deepika’s review touched upon this topic, but this is what made the movie outshine the book a hundredfold. Bella’s naked need and shameless selfishness for Jacob’s attention. Jacob’s confused fury at life and the Cullens and vampires in general, with his growing feelings for Bella. The excellent relationship that the director has managed to show the audience, that develops between someone so openly needy and alone, and someone openly stronger and confused, yet being the one who falls first. Brilliant digression from the book that apparently portrays Jacob as a chasing crazy new guy, I am not an authority on any of these subjects but I can say I liked their relationship. The cinematic anti-climaxes to their undefined moments of intimacy, Bella blatantly choosing Edward when all Jacob did was forget about his ever changing body and handle her mood swings and her anger at his moment of authority when he chooses to not hand her the phone, are all made believable by Bella’s presumptive prerogative to expect Jacob to understand.
6. The scenes with the Volturi. The last few scenes. I actually like the Twilight saga now, ONLY because of these.
6.The other things I could make fun of : These are actually reasons for me to like the movie, which I watch to mock, and so I will list them. Stupid screenplay.Terrible costumes.Disappointing soundtrack except for 2 or 3 good songs. The 8 Pack abs. Terrible, terrible dialogues. Retarded costumes. Over exploited mystique.
And the hype.
But I will watch New Moon in the theaters. At least twice. Sathyam ho.
Since you been gone I can do what I like but it doesn't mean a lot to me I'm all shook up and I'm lonesome tonight I think I need a love lobotomy but I'll get by without your smile I'll get through without you
- Elvis Aint Dead , Scouting for Girls.
Also, for you crazy Twilight fans out there ( I love sounding like I have more than 3 readers)
Once you get your gait, You’ll be walkin’ tall
Hope, they say is the mind’s euphemism for denial.
For about a week now, I have been thinking about how planning for the future has completely consumed my present. The perfect career the perfect relationship the perfect future .These thoughts were reiterated by Nish, in fact these are her very own words.
I also came up with these other lines, about how panic is different from despair, because panic is always glazed by hope. Despair is usually a manifestation of a rough day and a bad mood, coupled with low energy. The indescribable apathy and deep, yet content sorrow. Such an easy place to slip into.
After all the times we hear about obstacles being stepping stones to success, the persistent doubt of not winning is well settled inside our hearts.
Today, I learned for the first time, in over a decade of conscious thought, that at times like these if you just let yourself sink so low as to feel the horror hit you, not just ensconce yourself in the discomfort it causes but actually completely believe in the despair, that part of your body that is your warrior class ( I fully believe that this is a neurotransmitter which originates as an Immunological protein) kicks in, pushes away a little bit of the cloud and makes you stop idealising.
Idealising.
You’d be as good as dead, Cuz you might die tryin’
Cuz you might die tryin’
-Dave Matthews’ Band
And this is my chance, I get eaten by the worms
Total Emo phase relapse. I’m lovin it !
I also put up the lyrics for full throttle.
Mild amusement at the number of thoughts in my head listed as points below.
- I cannot get over how young Aamir Khan looks in the promos of 3 Idiots.
- Did you HEAR the music of Paa? Ilaiyaraja is a GOD. Watch out for Gali Mudhi (Shaan’s version)
- Ugly is the best cute. Nondescript is the new ugly.
- My driver told me all about Global warming and the melting of the ice caps today as we drove back home from Deepika’s house. Also about how the sea levels are rising and by2016 (if there’s no Rapture and those of us not Beamed up survive the 12/12/12 apocalypse) a large part of Chennai might get submerged. He also told me about battery run cars, saving fossil fuels and polluting the environment. I felt very at home, at that moment.
- I want to read ‘Going Rogue’ . At least it’s making Tina Fey do Palin again.
Oh and here are the lyrics:
In the deepest ocean
The bottom of the sea
Your eyes
They turn me
Why should I stay here?
Why should I stay?
I’d be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me
Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
Everybody leaves
If they get the chance
And this is my chance
I get eaten by the worms
And weird fishes
Picked over by the worms
And weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
Yeah I
I’ll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
And I
I’ll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
Weird Fishes, Radiohead
Until next time.Keep singing.
I’m no Superman
In a spell of nostalgia brought about by finally watching the series finale of Scrubs, which I wanted to wait and do for the need of the essential and proper closure, i re read a note a wrote a while ago in Facebook, and it brought back memories of things, that I am sad now will only remain memories.
Even if I agree with JD that living in the past is warm and comforting,but change is essential; self indulgence of emotion is my huge vice and I have to do it. So anyway the purpose of this post was to save that note in this space too, so I paste it here. When I wrote it I was only ‘controlling the crazy’ but now I merely miss the crazy, living in a life that is as different from that one as possible.
Perhaps it’s cuz I have been so jobless, or perhaps it’s cuz how many ever times you repeat the same figure for the number of days left for college to end you know it decreases each day, I wanted to make out a note and tag the people who’ve made college what it’s been to me.
Whenever I think of the things that were My SRM, I cant but help think of these. I hope I don’t forget anything.
1. My friends.The people who gave me home. Away from and at. My beauties who taught me things about myself and themselves and the world.
2. My drama. I thought I was growing as a person and reducing the amount of drama in my life and in my system but then as I obsess over what to write in this point..hell just the mere fact that I think that I simply have to write this note.. You get it right. It’s called personal growth.
3. My Music.I always thought life was full of scenes for soundtracks, but the time I’ve spent obsessing over the random-est songs I’ve heard and how they are just ‘My song!!’. I don’t want to forget anything when I make a list..starting from when we’d only continuously hum Coming back to life to the phase when Somewhere I belong was like my ring tone (that happened)..when we obsessed over Summer Wine the first summer in 2006.. When Nish n I would spend evenings with only the yellow lights on with Floyd..when Harini found Coldplay and listened to only Shiver for a week.. When This love had taken it’s toll on me she said good bye too many times before.. When we told each other how ‘Breathless’ was our ultimate love song (I cannot lie, from you i cannot hide).. when ‘Stay don’t sway, don’t come and go, like you do’ was the only song all us girls thought was soooo cute.. when ‘Where were you when we were getting high’ we’d hear over n over.. when we’d watch movies just cuz we loved the soundtrack (Everybody’s gotta learn sometime).. ‘I’m too lost in you’..when Dan’s car would resound with the latest flava of our liking, reflecting not only our moods but also what we were watching then, where we were going, what we were downloading, oh and when Abha went crazy about RHCP..(Hey oh..listen what I say..oh).. and then the insane House and Trance phase.. And then how there’d be a little group within the group that’d worship one band.. Akshay’s never ending Metallica obsession.. Pran n Sank’s girl music.. Prat n my Beatlemania.. Dan I love U2 and all of us ‘Slowly’ losing ourselves..
4.My Sitcom Therapy. I barely remember a time when heart break or even just a bad day could be handled without a funny show to watch.. starting with when everyone I knew decided (with a weird ferocity) to finish the ten S.E.A.S.O.N.S… to when we started watching what would eventually lead to a a long path of self loathing (How I met your Mother).. Scrubs, as you can see the distinct influence everywhere in this note.. Coupling South Park The Thin Blue Line Black Adder oh That 70s show The Big Bang theory.. Prison Break Lost Boston Legal I cant keep track.. eventually we all found our shows Studio 60 Arrested Development The Office Carnivale Weeds obviously Drawn Together Family Guy IT Crowd.. I could go on.(lol)
5.My Roommate.Most often we don’t know how horrible we are until we live with somebody. To me college will always be about living with Abha, 109, Royal Southern, that God awful room by the pool, Harini, and obviously Nishthaa. Big moment here, Thank you girls. I’d fail miserably if I didn’t mention Sahi and Varshaa here. And obviously Swathi n Georgi.
6.My New friends/Old friends.These coupla sentences are about Ash n Shru n all the other ‘Older’ friends I’ve made.. for every time they’ve shared their stuff with me, given me food, shelter and the essentials for a constant high. I remember the time I was in their room an entire week during a study hols spell, and they provided for me.. Music, food, and drink. Ash, whom I never fail to have fun with and wait for her little trips to Chennai, and count on for self esteem boosting and hyper ventilation. Oh and how can I not mention Pallavi here. She’s younger, but still. My Candy-loving, sailor-like-swearing, partner in crime, my Pilla , my double awesome Super Trouper.
7.My Left and Right feet.This one’s obviously about the endless dancing. When we started dancing in 110 while trying to dry Abha’s pink Chunni to those times in that ‘farm’ to every birthday every time there’s a new song we have to share to when we get ‘guests’ to oh God so yes we dance quite a bit. In lieu with point number 3 I was listening to ‘Safety Dance’ while typing this point out.
8.My Foster Food.I have to have to have to (considering I just wolfed down Sahi’s Pappu and Pappul podi) have to mention my taste buds opening up to Andhra food.. Harini’s mom’s Guthi Vengaay. Ah the yuminess. Oesophagus burning delight. Dan’s mom’s brownies and Sank’s mom’s cakes. The God Awesome food in Nish’s house. Abha’s mom’s divine Gobi ke parathe. Harini’s house that has always given me refuge.
9.My Biotechnicians. Gayu, Kavitha, Deepika. My birdies from Biotech. My girls who’ve handled me during my worst. Who’ve helped me pass exams. Who’ve had sad Canteen fun with me. Who re-enact scenes from The Office with me. Who have let me cry n smile n practice seminars with group up on competitions with get high cover for me with teachers getting me notes letting me be. I love them. Muahsies.
The rest of this note’s gonna be random things about these four years that’ve probably taught me more than the 17 before them, like Directions in Chennai, Crossing roads without dying or causing accidents, using the local trains, making DDs, handling temper issues, handling terrible middle level management, meeting and loving people you never thought you’d meet and not wanting to let go. I never want to not remember things like Nish singing Lap Dance or Sanatarium.. Abha tidying my room and whatever I still have left of the wreck I’ve made of my life when she went somewhere.. Sahi gossiping in rapid Telegu on the phone.. Prateek freaking out over an insignificant mishap or slightly high decibel level.. crazy fun with Pranav’s sarcastic one liners, Harini’s un-helpable insanity and our constant giggling, Mahesh grinning helplessly like a monkey after missing a train/flight, Sankha’s light voiced contemptuous encouragement of everything I do, the first three months of knowing Dan, Akshay’s constantly berating disparage and his brilliant mind.
So I didn’t know I could want to hug and hold my people and keep them close to my heart till I know it’s time for us to go. So I decided I’ll write this note and control the crazy (Amen Nish).
I can’t do this all on my own. I know.I’m no Superman.
‘I’m no Superman’ – Lazlo Bane
Details
This is the first time I am doing this, but the song seems to say everything I want to.
Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without–without love
No, no I’ll get this
I want to treat you
You’re still not famous
And you haven’t struck it rich
Underachieving
‘Cause no one’s receiving
This tunnel vision
It’s turning out all wrong
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without, without love
Music is worthless, unless it can
Make a complete stranger
Break down and cry
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
And what will happen
Lover alone without love
And will you listen
Lover alone without, without love.
The Dumbing Down of Love, Frou frou
I am sure you’ve all ben intrigued by the long silence. Quoting Dave Matthews, the silence is screaming. So I’ve been a little busy, a little blue. Mostly blue. And this is not because I watched the movie Blue. I am in no mood for my regualr brand of silly humour. Life’s not exactly handing out marzipan. I hate personifying ‘life’ and making it do things but still.
I’ve spent Diwali so far listening to this song on loop while watching the fireworks from my balcony. The last time I remember listening to it, seems to be, in my second year of college, when my friends would play sports and I’d hang around, watching lost-ly.
A particularly mopey, festival time for me. Too much apathy for anybody’s good. But in a random moment of thanksgiving, I thank everybody who I call a friend. May you be blessed.
Till next time,keep singing.
-This tunnel vision
It’s turning out all wrong-
Happy Diwali. Be safe. Be sound. (no jokes here either)
