TAKE this poll! “Who said the following? Mukesh Singh, or someone you know in your life?”

“One of the group of Indian men convicted of the notorious Delhi gang rape of 2012 has prompted outrage by claiming that his victim was to blame for her brutal sexual assault and murder.” – March 1st 2015, The Telegraph

 

If you appreciated participating in this poll, please share this with people you know, and ask them to fill it out? I just want to know who says these things.

 

Find the original article here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/11443462/Delhi-bus-rapist-blames-his-victim-in-prison-interview.html

Five signs you are becoming friends: Facebook version

So you met through a common friend, you were cordial and had no hostility. And now you’re Facebook friends and  show up in each other’s virtual worlds. Are you becoming friends? Here’s how to tell:

  • They acknowledge your comments by ‘liking’ them.

Yes, your pun was hilarious, and yes, you were right about their dress being ‘so Madmen’.

  • They include you in light hearted conversations with your mutual friend:

Remember the no-hostility thing? This is more of that. Like hanging out happily with you in a group. Pretty nice.

  • They support your hobbies:

Crocheting? Knitting? Skiing? Baking? Your Veronica Mars fan-art? If they are acknowledging your hobbies in your virtual space, you are becoming friends. This is real encouragement to your stuff, not like when you force you them like your blog’s Facebook page.

  • They speak to you in languages other than English:

Comfort level. Enough said. Only applies to native tongues you may share. Not applicable to situations where French is used randomly to sound fancy. No, just stop.

  • They like your pet:Supporting your pet is a good sign that they like you and would like to hang out with you. If they like the thing that you love so much and won’t stop uploading pictures of, they’re probably into this friendship. Congratulations.

Hit us back for our next list, “Five Signs They are on your Facebook a lot, like a creepy amount, you should probably put them on ‘Restricted'”

PS: Also use this list as etiquette for:  New spouses in your circle of friends/cousins;Awkward coworkers you are expected to be friends with; Your Mom; Your friend’s Mom who has friended you; Your Mom’s friend who has friended you.

 

Five Apps that would do very well in Chennai

1. RoachFind TM

Ratings: ✪ ✪ ✪ ✪

Where is the cockroach? Staying awake all night with your bladder full because you’re afraid there are roaches your bathroom, they will run at you and into your room when you go in? Roaches in your office elevator forcing you to take the stairs and be active?

FIND OUT IF THERE IS A COCKROACH TODAY!

Most rated Reviews:

“I was carrying home a package from my sister in the USA, when my phone started buzzing loudly. Hoping it was her, I picked up my phone, it was RoachFind TM! I was confident there would be no cockroaches in a package from the USA, but I was wrong. The package had sat in customs for 15 days until I got it! Thank you RoachFind for warning me of roaches running up my hands from between my new Forever21 pants!”

2. SmartPot TM

Ratings: ✪ ✪

Twisting your ankles on the street because the road suddenly stopped existing? Suffering a strange friendship with your car mechanic because your car is constantly wounded from driving on the road? Forced to wear a helmet while obnoxiously cruisin’ the town on your bullet for fear of dying because you missed seeing a pothole?

NO LONGER! Download: SmartPot TM

Top rated Reviews:

“Sometimes, I find the app irritating because it is constantly making noise when I am driving. I am on the road, yes there are holes machaan, I know. Stop making noise no! It is also irritating for when I am trying to suddenly brake when on the bike with my girlfriend. She is warned by the buzzing and asks me to slow down! But she has at least stopped bugging me to wear a helmet, so some use, yes. Girls na, I tell you.”

3. MeterPodu TM

Ratings: ✪ ✪ ✪ ✪

Always late everywhere because you won’t take an auto that won’t turn on the meter, and end up having to walk every where in Chennai? Long fights with auto drivers earning you reputation as a ‘Rules Ambi’ in your circles? Wishing you could just get the auto drivers to be fair?

Fight no more! Download: MeterPodu TM

The power of hypnosis is underrated, and hard to learn. But withMeterPodu TM, total control over your autodriver’s decision to turn on the meter is just a tap away!

Top Rated Review:

” My parents were worried that I will never get married because they felt that if I fought with the auto-man this much, how much would I fight with my mother in law? They were upset that they had not raised me to be a good girl. But now, thanks to MeterPodu TM, I am back to being an eligible bride on the market, and my parents’ favourite gold medal holder in the family! MeterPodu, O podu!”

4. PrettyWomanTM

Ratings: ✪ ✪ ✪ ✪

A special app, just for women: Bosses telling you to ‘get it together’ because you’re constantly tired from managing home and work? Snide remarks of “Why do you ladies even come to work” getting you down? Tired of being asked if you “cannot even smile while making and serving dinner at the end of the day” by your family?

STAY DOWN NO LONGER!  Maybe you need cocaine or related stimulants to keep you energetic enough to be smiling, hardworking and obliging all day to your colleagues, friends and family, but we have the next best thing: a perception filter. Simply turn on the app and wear your resting bitch face, while everyone around you is engaged by whatever version of you they want. After all, your life is about them!

Top rated Review:

“My boss would always ask me why I did not accessorise enough, or wear a Saree to work, or looked ‘angry and uninviting’ at meetings. ‘So unbecoming of a woman’, I was told. But now, thanks to PrettyWoman, I can feel however I want to, and everyone else just sees whatever they want to. Finally, a face just for myself. Thanks PrettyWoman!”

5. PunctuPinchTM

Ratings: ✪ ✪ ✪ ✪

Always the first one to turn up, no matter how late you leave? Always on time to events, only to be greeted by surprised, condescending hosts/waiters? Always texting your friends to wake up/leave/drive/get there on time?

FRET NO LONGER!

With PunctuPinchTM, feel a sharp poke from your phone whenever you’re getting ready to leave for a social event on time. It will also give you reminders to snooze, when you are only 15/20/30 minutes late to somewhere. Become the new cool person in your friends’ circle, with PunctuPinchTM! 

Top Rated Review:

“I was starting to feel like nobody respected my time, because I would always show up on time, and wait for people to show up. There are only so many new games of Words with Friends you can start while you wait for your friends to show up. Besides, I was coveting the status symbol of being ‘fashionably late’, but being habitually punctual was not letting me be this way. Now, thanks to PunctuPinch, I am  always the last to get to any place, and everyone’s attention is on me! Thank you PunctuPinch!”

Related Downloads: MeterPodu TM

Dear Cleavage, the first among my several open letters to human body parts.

Dear Cleavage,

I hear you’ve been in the news a lot, lately. Just flashing yourself obscenely, belonging to people, being photographed. Is this the right way for a cleavage to behave? I know, I know. You’re just looking for compliments. When I am looking at your picture with a caption that says ‘OMG, Look, it’s a cleavage!’, I am thinking up delicious compliments I can pay you. ‘Awesome being, Cleavage!’ ‘Double Trouble, Cleavage!’ ‘Peek-a-boo, Cleavage!’… are a few mediocre examples.

But Cleavage, you won’t just be honest about it and deal with it. You make noise about being noticed after asking for all this attention? You talk about pertinent issues like how your objectification (that you enabled by existing, BTW) is the root cause for the lack of women’s safety in your country. You call attention to the fact that using you to engage with ‘readership’ is a disgusting, sexist act, counter to all the woman empowerment we are striving towards as a society? Responsible, much?

First of all, such audacity is not accepted, Cleavage. Just FYI. I just want you to survive. Just adjust, na. All these opinions are going to make you fall sick. See, this is how things are in this country. We must learn to survive. Therein lies true success at the human experience.

Second of all, somebody is going to try to hurt you. Like Toi-let journalism folk. Somebody is going to write you a letter telling you that you’re a hypocrite for existing. Somebody is going to tell you that they are champions against moral policing, but you need to have your stuff together regarding HOW you want to portray yourself. You cannot just choose to titillate and not titillate whenever you want, like you own yourself. You don’t own yourself, Cleavage!  That’s crazy talk.

Also, Cleavage, don’t think people have not noticed that you’re making all this noise before you have movies coming out. As the most successful Bollywood Cleavage today, it is very shocking that you have multiple movies coming out, and so everybody is 100% sure that you’re using all this attention you’re getting to make people go watch your movies.

Basically, Cleavage, you’re overreacting. Besides, you just imagine how much worse it could be. You’re being targeted for existing, as opposed to ALL your fellow body parts being targeted for existing. ‘Newspapers’ don’t zoom in on Nipples and Vaginas, okay? Where is your gratitude? Learn to appreciate what you have, and just take the bullet for this one.

SO … just chill, Cleavage. Why so serious? Know your place. And also… Just adjust, na. You have to survive in this country.

(Stay tuned for my open letters to Nipples and Vaginas)

Dear Chennai II: Your prodigal child returns

Dear Chennai,

I have returned. I have returned to your burning bosom, and I am once again engulfed, nay, ensconced– in your warm, scorching embrace. You may remember when I wrote you this letter, full of nostalgia and sentiment. In a happy miracle, it was immensely popular among us Chennaiites, much like the Jigarthanda outside Murugan Idly Kadai.

I don’t know what the deal with you is, Chennai. There is no easy way to say this, but you have changed. You have changed with your huge malls (real malls, not like Abhirami mall, or worse– Spencer Plaza), fancy ₹3000 mid-level restaurant meals for two, and expensive filter coffee.

Not that I am not picking up where I left off. Everything is different but everyone is the same. The other day, I was walking out of a Subway (the sandwich shop, not an NYC-hangover term for a Chennai suburban train station) and passed a man sitting and eating his sandwich in his car, while casually watching my chest with interest. Is Game of Thrones playing on my chest, Chennai? Which season? I haven’t caught up in a while. I met a female acquaintance’s husband at a social event, who responded to me asking him what he does, by asking me what my husband does.

Remember how I mocked your nightlife, Chennai? I called it ‘limited’. How very oafish of me. Your nightlife, in my weary late twenties, is booming, Chennai. And your strict lockdown on drunken driving is commendable (but that is the case in most Indian cities, I hear). But have you hired Dementors to monitor the auto drivers? They are always shaking in their boots, making me promise I will tell cops they turned the meter on, making me promise I will give them ten rupees above the meter but not tell the cops, making sure I don’t take pictures of the meter before and after and give them marked notes to track their greed and then tell the cops.

Remember how I missed your roads, Chennai? ‘I miss Mount road and Gemini flyover and that ‘Jesus Saves’ sign in Adyar that tells me I am making the right left turn.’, I wrote. What a soapy windbag. I waited for 15 minutes at Gemini flyover to just keep going straight onto Cathedral road today, Chennai. And just don’t even ask me about Mount road. Adyar is your small saving grace.

But all this traffic is because there are so many places to go, Chennai. I don’t blame you for patiently accommodating all of these new structures; stores and bars and parks, even the shiny Radisson Blu, built right on the banks of the Cooum river. But why are you still harbouring so many misogynistic people, Chennai? They are like burnt dosais in your bountiful spread of tiffins, with their entitled ogling at female chests like stale chutney and salty sambar. What are we going to do about these people?

“What a foreign-return letter!”, you say disapprovingly. “You were perfectly content, even happy, here once!”. “Snobbish ingrate”, you add under your breath, but still loud enough for me to hear.

But what to do, Chennai. I am like this only now. I complain more about this than I do about the heat and traffic. I crib because I am back to live at home, Chennai. The city that gave me so much of my identity, with its people who brave the heat, with its wonderful food and compound culture. I protest because I no longer miss you; you are again my home, and I love you.

 

I’ve moved back to India

And I’m floating in a most peculiar way