Dear Cleavage,

I hear you’ve been in the news a lot, lately. Just flashing yourself obscenely, belonging to people, being photographed. Is this the right way for a cleavage to behave? I know, I know. You’re just looking for compliments. When I am looking at your picture with a caption that says ‘OMG, Look, it’s a cleavage!’, I am thinking up delicious compliments I can pay you. ‘Awesome being, Cleavage!’ ‘Double Trouble, Cleavage!’ ‘Peek-a-boo, Cleavage!’… are a few mediocre examples.

But Cleavage, you won’t just be honest about it and deal with it. You make noise about being noticed after asking for all this attention? You talk about pertinent issues like how your objectification (that you enabled by existing, BTW) is the root cause for the lack of women’s safety in your country. You call attention to the fact that using you to engage with ‘readership’ is a disgusting, sexist act, counter to all the woman empowerment we are striving towards as a society? Responsible, much?

First of all, such audacity is not accepted, Cleavage. Just FYI. I just want you to survive. Just adjust, na. All these opinions are going to make you fall sick. See, this is how things are in this country. We must learn to survive. Therein lies true success at the human experience.

Second of all, somebody is going to try to hurt you. Like Toi-let journalism folk. Somebody is going to write you a letter telling you that you’re a hypocrite for existing. Somebody is going to tell you that they are champions against moral policing, but you need to have your stuff together regarding HOW you want to portray yourself. You cannot just choose to titillate and not titillate whenever you want, like you own yourself. You don’t own yourself, Cleavage!  That’s crazy talk.

Also, Cleavage, don’t think people have not noticed that you’re making all this noise before you have movies coming out. As the most successful Bollywood Cleavage today, it is very shocking that you have multiple movies coming out, and so everybody is 100% sure that you’re using all this attention you’re getting to make people go watch your movies.

Basically, Cleavage, you’re overreacting. Besides, you just imagine how much worse it could be. You’re being targeted for existing, as opposed to ALL your fellow body parts being targeted for existing. ‘Newspapers’ don’t zoom in on Nipples and Vaginas, okay? Where is your gratitude? Learn to appreciate what you have, and just take the bullet for this one.

SO … just chill, Cleavage. Why so serious? Know your place. And also… Just adjust, na. You have to survive in this country.

(Stay tuned for my open letters to Nipples and Vaginas)