I have been thinking about this for a few minutes now, and I cannot hold myself back any longer. Without further ado,

My and My Open Letter/Monologue to Potential Employers

and Social Media Overlords

I write to you to apply for the advertised position of Social Media Correspondent at your Awesome Science Corporation.

I begin my cover letter with a short introduction of myself and my interests. I am a 24 year old girl who likes Science, pop culture and arguing about things that we disagree about. Let me rephrase that– I am a 24 year old molecular researcher with interests in the intriguing fields of infectious disease, evolution and public health. I like to keep myself abreast of current events and enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation.

I strongly feel that I have been alive long enough to learn that learning is perpetual, and the longer I keep myself from chasing my dreams, the farther away I am from taking a break from all this knowledge gaining. Let me rephrase that– I am excited to apply for a position that is so in tune with my own interests and skill set.

For instance, I have learned so much in the past two years. I have learned to just get stuff done no matter what, and that as long as you can do that you’re fine. Let me rephrase that– I have learned to understand my strengths and limitations, and assert myself and my skills in a way that is suitable to meet requirements.

I have learned that being brave is not just doing stuff while bad things happen to you, but to learn be in denial about horrible things to help you cope with stress. Uh, sorry, I’m nervous, here’s what I meant to say– I have learned to be courageous when faced with tough tasks and decisions, and adeptly maneuver through a difficult situation to reach my goal.

I have learned to love and to be loved, and that withdrawing from affection is not the solution to my chronic coyness and fear of happiness being transient. Um, I mean– I have worked hard to ensure that my emotions do not affect my professional capabilites, and to sort my feelings from my responsibilities.

I can cook and clean and take care of myself, like a real adult should be able to, I mean, I only eat out like once a week, it may be old pizza or vegetarian sushi, but still. I meant, I have repeatedly exposed myself to unpredictable situations and learned to survive efficiently.

I want to tell a story so I can be famous and tell people what I think about everything, and the story that I know best is my own, and so this job is a great fit for me to get my ugly foot in the giant proverbial door to celebrity-blogger/activist/producer; -dom; it is my first step to be the Indian Rosie O’Donnell. Let me rephrase that– I sincerely believe that this job is the perfect opportunity to broaden my horizons and be able to apply both my training in research, as well as my zealous aptitude for communication towards a greater goal.

And finally, I want to just say that I am really mature now and only getting even more mature, like, I refrained from peppering this thing with quotes from The Princess Diaries, didn’t I? Ugh, I mean, I mean– I will strive to recognize and overcome my shortcomings as I have in the past, and enjoy this wonderful path of growth each day.

I just want to end, by saying, that, I wondered how I would feel after abdicating my throne as Princess of Genovia, would I feel happy? Would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I used the word “I”. In fact, probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there’s, like, 7 billion other people out there on the planet and when.. And I thought, if I cared about the other 7 billion out there, it would be a much better use of my time. See if I were Princess of Genovia, my thoughts, and the thoughts of people smarter than me, would be much better heard. And just maybe, they could be turned into actions.

Ha! Just kidding.

Not really, though.

Sincerely,

BN.

It’s not me, no it’s my bad body double
I’ve got bad body double trouble

Verse and Title from ‘Bad Body Double‘ – Imogen Heap

gif from here