Have I told you how much fun I make of the Twilight saga on a day to day basis? I didn’t care about the books, I thought ‘Cedric Diggory’s supposed to be good looking, for Godsake!’ when I saw Robert Pattinson on Harry Potter, and I wasted all my teenage years reading emo books like First Wives club , The Lake of Dead Languages and a lot of Meg Cabot. If you haven’t read The lake of.. , please oh please do. What a horrible book.

Back on topic, when Twilight-the movie came out, I fully believed that the graphics had been done by a second year Viscom student on 3dsmax. But again we must remember, there’s a good chance that Catherine Hardwicke did actually believe that the graphics were great. Well at least the music was.

Things I hated about Twilight:

1.The hype that was Robert Pattinson. I only wanted to Spank Ransom. The American accent that sounded like he was constantly swallowing saliva while he spoke (don’t tell me that was a side effect of being a vampire), the reptilian pale-ness. It was all too over done. I give u a good jaw line. looks hot in a sports coat.

2.Kristen Stewart. I’m a bitter old thing that hates, I mean absolutely hates un pretty girls being called pretty. I mean that whole type makes me want to throw something. Like Emma Watson. And why is SHE so pale? He’s a ‘cold one’ , I understand, but you’re from Phoenix, woman. Show some colour!

3.The dialogues. Need I say more?

4. The nonsense. There was no build up to their romance. No solid evidence of Chemistry. She felt alone and was attracted to the 108 year old, he wanted to taste her blood. Boom. Aur Pyaar Ho Gaya. Let’s spend days and nights just lying down together. On lawns, meadows, beds, anywhere mostly. Our make out sessions are literally dangerous liaisons because I find your blood to be like a drug, ‘my personal brand of heroin’ , and yet just because you googled my symptoms and cleverly deduced that I am a vampire, and are obviously attracted to my fine jaw line and decent body (plus the intrigue), we’re in love. Sometimes you wake up and find me standing there, silently watching you and brooding inwardly and outwardly at how I can’t caress you because I want to drink your blood.

At first, I didn’t get it. I understood why she’d want him, the power of protection, the attraction, the cool-ness of being the mysterious Cullen’s girlfriend. I mean all teenage girls (and many post teenage girls) want the over protective lover. But then we forget. He saved her from a car crash AND rape. I grew up watching Tamil Cinema . I know how romantic these things are.

And then, I understood why he wanted her. After a 108 years of reading everybody’s thoughts, there was finally someone’s thoughts he couldn’t read (I’d be thankful for this, but I wonder if it makes a difference. Bella Swan doesn’t look like she MAKES too many thoughts). He was a vegetarian vampire but he wanted her blood SO bad. He couldn’t help but keep tempting himself by being around her. The enigma was too much of a lure (pfft) to yield to the temptation of sucking her blood and destroying this aberration altogether.

I watched Twilight over 5 times. Most of the time it was because I was too lazy to look for anything else, or was not completely sane, but nevertheless, I did. And I liked the music. I specifically do like the scene where he walks past her when he knows that she knows, ans she knows that he knows that she knows.

Now that I have watched New Moon, first I will link you to a rather honest review of it written by a dear friend without whose influence I would’ve never exposed myself over and over to the addiction that is the Twilight saga. Here it is.

I get it now. I liked New Moon because I am one of those losers who like connecting movies, which are not a real ‘means to an end’ type story, but a sequel for the sake of a sequel, the prelude to the next big thing, the bit that you have to sit through. Deepika’s review kinda summarizes my own views on the movie, as an objective, non Twilight hating movie-goer.

But here’s why I like New Moon, while fighting the urge to call it New Moan.

1. Kristen Stewart: Apparently, Bella Swan goes psycho, in the book. She really did go psycho in the movie. While the director Chris Weitz (this man co made American Pie . Just letting you know) uses ever possible over used sequence to portray her heart break and insanity, Kristen shines enacting the desperate and crazy Bella. She truly carries the terribly slow screenplay on her shoulders.

2. Taylor Lautner: Shark Boy finally stops looking atrocious after he finally cuts his hair. He also has 8 pack abs. WTH was that about. Scared me a little. While I am inclined to like this character simply because he is a werewolf (what can I say, I am a sucker for the lupus), Taylor does a decent job at portraying an already likable character, who ‘eases her pain’ of losing Edward, involuntarily cheering her up and falling in love with her. I mean the boy is 16. His ‘Your body is changing, son’ talk was way more serious than yours ever was. He becomes a wolf when he’s angry and has a constant hot flush (108 degrees? I mean.. what is this Stephanie Meyers/Mythology , I don’t care which, Cold ones X ‘Hot’ Ones?) .

3.Robert Pattinson : While the break up scenes and the hallucinations were truly miserable, I kinda fell for this boy in the last few scenes. Very well portrayed cheesy heroism doused with his natural camera shy charm (Suddenly I see). Some sudden Spunk, boy. You’ve won me over.

4. Dakota Fanning: Now you must realise that I watched a sad, bootlegged copy of this movie on the internet, and had to make out expressions (in many cases make them up) and make Deepika repeat the dialogues to me. Dakota Fanning made Jane come alive. I mean she seriously glowed in context.

5. The triangle: Deepika’s review touched upon this topic, but this is what made the movie outshine the book a hundredfold. Bella’s naked need and shameless selfishness for Jacob’s attention. Jacob’s confused fury at life and the Cullens and vampires in general, with his growing feelings for Bella. The excellent relationship that the director has managed to show the audience, that develops between someone so openly needy and alone, and someone openly stronger and confused, yet being the one who falls first. Brilliant digression from the book that apparently portrays Jacob as a chasing crazy new guy, I am not an authority on any of these subjects but I can say I liked their relationship. The cinematic anti-climaxes to their undefined moments of intimacy, Bella blatantly choosing Edward when all Jacob did was forget about his ever changing body and handle her mood swings and her anger at his moment of authority when he chooses to not hand her the phone, are all made believable by Bella’s presumptive prerogative to expect Jacob to understand.

6. The scenes with the Volturi. The last few scenes. I actually like the Twilight saga now, ONLY because of these.

6.The other things I could make fun of : These are actually reasons for me to like the movie, which I watch to mock, and so I will list them. Stupid screenplay.Terrible costumes.Disappointing soundtrack except for 2 or 3 good songs. The 8 Pack abs. Terrible, terrible dialogues. Retarded costumes. Over exploited mystique.

And the hype.

But I will watch New Moon in the theaters. At least twice. Sathyam ho.

Since you been gone
I can do what I like
but it doesn't mean a lot to me
I'm all shook up
and I'm lonesome tonight
I think I need a love lobotomy
but I'll get by without your smile
I'll get through without you

– Elvis Aint Dead , Scouting for Girls.



Also, for you crazy Twilight fans out there ( I love sounding like I have more than 3 readers)